The Stand-In Stones

Here is another story previously published in Druscilla’s Garden. It’s a humorous one, one of my favourites, inspired by a visit my sister Mel and I took to Avebury in 1996. I hope it brings a smile to your face.

“This is so cool! I can’t believe we’re actually going to Avebury. Did you know it’s even older than Stonehenge?”

Kim looked sideways at her sister. “You’ve only told me about twelve million times. How far away is this place anyway? I can feel water seeping into my jeans.”

“Oh quit complaining. Rain adds atmosphere. We’ll be there in twenty minutes and you can dry off in a cafe or something.”

Kim sighed and stared out of the bus window. Dirty water dripped from the bottom of the glass and ran down to the seat. Kim cringed away and looked back at her sister. Simone was watching the driver in the rear view mirror. He was cute in a pale kind of way, but Kim didn’t think he was worth the eyeballing Simone was giving him.

She shivered abruptly; someone was watching her.  The woman across the aisle had her small, pinched eyes riveted on Kim. She resembled a slug halfway metamorphosed into a human, her jelly like flesh retaining a greyish hue. She even looked moist. Kim beamed a large fake smile upon her and the slug’s eyes slid away, literally.

“Stop making that gaggy noise,” Simone snapped, wrenching her gaze from the bus driver.

Kim subsided, slumping into her seat. She fixed her eyes on the rain-smeared window. Perhaps it was her imagination, but it seemed that there was something weird about the people around here. It surely couldn’t be because they were all so pale, though as an Australian, Kim couldn’t come to grips with that unearthly glow; there was something alien about them. They were stolid. They watched.

Precisely eighteen minutes later, the bus oozed to a halt outside The Red Lion, a pub situated on the edge of Avebury village. Kim and Simone were the only passengers to alight. As Kim clung to the pole in preparation to getting off, she glanced back.

Every passenger was watching them. A man wearing a raincoat that resembled a moulting onion opened his mouth to say something, but his words were lost as Kim exited the bus with speed.

“Ow! Watch it!” Simone griped as Kim smacked into her.

“Did you see how those people were watching us?” gasped Kim, struggling to put up her umbrella.

“They were probably just thinking how moronic we are to be out in this weather.” Simone also struggled. An icy wind was blowing icier rain into their faces.

“Then why the blazes are we out here?!”

“I’ve already answered that question.” With that, Simone trudged off into the village. Kim heaved a sigh and followed her.

*

“Kim, check this out.” Simone was standing beside a large diamond-shaped stone, one of several that were left of Avebury Circle. She was staring at it as if it had falled from Heaven itself, to land heavily in the spongy English grass. She placed one hand reverently upon its rough grey surface.

“Woo hoo,” commented Kim. “A rock.”

“An ancient rock,” breathed Simone, “Brought here by prehistoric man.”

She appeared not to notice the bird droppings encrusted on top of the stone, but Kim could see it. Any sense of wonder she might have felt was ruined by that whitish topping.

“The guide book says it’s called ‘The Barber-surgeon Stone’ because in medieval times, a barber-surgeon was squashed underneath it. They found his instruments and skeleton years later,” Kim informed her star-struck sister.

Simone didn’t answer. Her eyes had glazed.

Kim leaned against the murderous monolith and contemplated the Circle. The stones, some canted at odd angles and others now only modern concrete pillars replacing the originals, squatted stolidly against the endless soaking rain, their massive bulks starkly grey against the bright green of the fields.

Kim suddenly shuddered violently. Cold water had dripped down her neck. She gasped and wriggled. Only a tourist would be outside on a day like this! Simone and her geeky ideas….

“Simone, I know it’s gross out here and everything, but shouldn’t there be other tourists around?”

Her sister slowly turned around. Her hair was dripping into her eyes and her mouth was slightly unhinged. “It’s … yeah… where is everyone?”

“Can’t see anyone in the village either,” Kim added.

“Wait! What’s that?”

Simone was squinting ahead, and a second later Kim could see a figure approaching them. Whoever it was had a determined walk; he headed towards them like he was on a relentless treadmill. As he came closer, he began shouting in a belligerent tone.

“What are you doing here? The Circle is closed today!”

“It is?” Kim blathered out. The man looked to be about a hundred and twenty years old. His long white hair was plastered against his neck and his small black eyes were almost hidden in fleshy sockets. He resembled a crushed paper bag.

“Excuse me, but how can you close a stone circle?” Simone inquired in a sarcastic tone. “We didn’t see any signs or anything.”

The old potato sack glared at her.

“Everyone knows today is the Rock Festival!” he yelled. “Private village affair. No tourists allowed. Go home.”

“Cool! A Rock Festival!” Now Kim’s eyes began to glaze. “But… out here? In the middle of nowhere? How come only villagers are allowed to go? Must be pretty small.”

“You’re a cheeky one, ain’t you,” the old guy said. “Not hard to tell where you come from.”

“Hey!” Simone yelled, “You can’t talk to my sister like that! We didn’t know the Circle was closed. How could we possibly tell?”

The relic frowned impressively, rain dripping off his scraggy eyebrows. “Everyone knows. Do ye see any other tourists gallivantin’ about? They knows what’s good for em. Now leave before summat bad happens.”

He stood there, a stubborn figure in his crumpled coat.

“Come on, Sim. It’s too wet out here anyway.” Kim stuffed the guide book into her coat pocket.

“What do you mean ‘something bad’?” Simone ignored Kim.

The old man abruptly turned away and began walking off. “You’ll find out if you’re not gone quick!” he yelled back at them.

Simone rummaged in her bag.

“Creepy old moron. Let me take a couple of photos then we’ll go.” She took out her camera.

Before she could even remove the cover, something extremely odd began to happen. The air in the circle seemed to thicken, warp and twist. Kim blinked as the furthest stones began to lose focus, turning into smeary grey blobs that melted and reformed like plasticene gone mad. Rain ran against her eyes and she wiped them, the blurriness making her dizzy. She swayed and reached blindly for the stone against which she had been leaning, but it was gone! She stumbled and sat down abruptly on the grass. Slowly her vision cleared. She stood up with a yell. “Oh! I’m soaking!”

A cold hand gripped her arm. Simone was standing beside her, and her mouth was again unhinged. Kim followed her sister’s gaze, and it was her turn to gape.

The stones of the circle were moving!

It was no optical illusion. Kim could even hear them as they slid across the soaking grass, ploughing up layers of mud as they did. It wasn’t random movement either; the stones were definitely headed towards the road.

Speechless, the sisters watched the group of stones meet at the bottom of the slope, pause for a second, then change direction to head into the village. No sooner where they out of sight than several people appeared, walking steadily up the slope.

“We’re in trouble now,” Simone muttered.

The villagers didn’t pause as they approached the stunned sisters. Kim and Simone fully expected them to start yelling once they were in earshot, but they didn’t. They weren’t even looking at the two open-mouthed Australians. They didn’t seem to be looking at anything. The group separated, each zombie-like villager going in a slightly different direction. After a minute there was a person standing on each spot recently vacated by a stone.

“Oh. My. God.” Kim worked his jaws with difficulty.

Simone was blinking uncontrollably. The rain grew denser, drenching the sisters and running down the immobile villagers.

“Let’s get out of this rain,” Simone mumbled. She made a visible effort to stop blinking and began stumbling towards the road. Kim followed, her feet catching in the furrows left by the departing boulders. There were muddy scrape marks on the road, too; the stones could move but evidently didn’t grow legs.

Simone blundered on through the rain, finally stopping outside a cafe. She stood there, shivering and fidgeting, until Kim caught up.

“We’re not going in there are we?” Kim closed her umbrella and eyed the door. “Didn’t the stones go in there?”

“Yes! Don’t you want to know what they’re doing?”

Before Kim could say anything else, Simone grabbed the door handle and opened the door.

Inside, the stones of Avebury Stone Circle were having lunch.

“Filthy weather,” one  large pock-marked rock remarked to its booth-companion. “It’ll start my lichen up again.”

“Clean off that bird pooh though,” the chunk replied. “Nice and cool in the pores, too. Can’t handle that sun baking down on me. Causes cracks.”

“Don’t you rubble ever stop yabbering?” an eroded stone bellowed across the room. “Shut yer craters.”

Its voice was low and gravelly. Kim and Simone stood frozen in the doorway, unable to fully comprehend what they were seeing. Simone started blinking again when the bellowing stone leaned forward slightly and absorbed some soup through a straw. To the left,  two boulders were positioned against a display case of pastries.

“Rock cakes,” one remarked in sarcastic tones. “Do these humans have any imagination?”

There was a sudden grating crash from another direction and the sisters grabbed each other in terror. The floor shook. A chorus of deep grumbling rose in agitation.

“For God’s sake, Nigel! Keep your balance!” a pale stone with a hole drilled in its side yelled to the fallen monolith. “If you’re not careful you’ll crush another human, and look at the mess the last one made.”

“The barber-surgeon!” Kim wheezed out in a strangled whisper. She stifled a hysterical giggle.

In the next second, she was wishing she hadn’t said anything. There was a universal grating and grinding as every Avebury Stone in the cafe pivoted. Kim assumed they were all looking at her… somehow.

“That’s it.” She’d had enough. She grabbed Simone’s cold arm and pushed her back outside into the rain.

“The stones… they…”

“I know, I know. Come on. We’ll wait at the bus stop.” Kim pulled her babbling sister along the wet road. Thunder boomed above them. The thick clouds were the same colour as the stones.

The sister stumbled along speechlessly until they reached the Red Lion pub. Then, speechlessly, they stood for some minutes.

Simone opened her mouth only once.

“Were they really…”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Kim snapped.

The bus arrived seven minutes later. The same pale bus driver was in the front, but Simone didn’t even glance at him. Kim gave him an evil look, but he didn’t seem to notice.

The sisters took seats, their wet clothes clinging and their hair hanging in their faces. Simone’s eyes lost their focus.

Kim jumped when someone poked a hard finger into her shoulder. She turned and was face to face with the man in the onion skin.

“You saw our Rock Festival,” he said.

“Some festival,” Kim snorted. “I was expecting rock music, not rocks eating soup and abusing each other. This place is WEIRD.”

The Onion Man’s expression was blank yet strangely focused. He didn’t blink, and only moved two muscles when he replied. “You’ve seen it, so you’ll be back to take your turn. It’s the Law. You must be a Stand-in Stone.”

“Oh please. Stones hauling themselves along roads and discussing lichen I can take, but no bad puns, thank you.” She turned her back haughtily and glared out of the window.

A couple of minutes passed. Kim became aware of how quiet it was on the bus. A prickly feeling itched the back of her neck. She peered sideways. The slug-like woman was back, staring at her again. Her eyes were smaller, and her skin had a definite greyish hue. But now, somehow, she seemed less fleshy. She was less like a slug and more solid…. like a standing stone.

Kim looked hastily away. She stared out at the green English countryside as he stomach slowly settled. How peaceful it looked, how quiet and serene. All that fresh air to breathe, that green to stare at.. She felt a sudden longing to be out there again, to just stand there and feel nature around her…. just for a few hours…. just to meditate… to be still and silent.

She wouldn’t even mind the rain.